People Pleaser Recovery, Step #1
3 things I [actively] choose not to exert energy on anymore as a recovering people pleaser:
Explaining why I need time to think about/process something.
Apologizing for responding to a text later than…immediately
Responding to or even “thanking” someone for their unsolicited advice
Disclaimer: these aren’t executed *flawlessly* every day, but I’m sharing them here because they’ve been big realizations and commitments for me over the last 6 months.
For nearly my entire life (with only some exceptions), I was eagerly (ie. overly) responsive to others — their wants, their needs, their texts, their demands. I’d drop what I was doing to read (and respond) to a text or call. At gatherings, in work meetings, while traveling — I felt (and do still sense) the emotions/reactions of others that are more often than not directly or outwardly expressed. Body language, passive aggressive comments, silence — these have been loud things to interpret, but I’ve been doing it forever.
I grew up with the belief that other people knowing, understanding, and approving of my actions, decisions, and ideas was a good thing — in fact, it was (and still is) recognized and praised by others. There was a moment this past spring where I was being pressured to give reasons for my process and needs, and it deeply triggered me. Things that I wondered about were:
If I were a man, would this question still be asked?
Does giving a reason for the need give someone ammunition to talk me out of my expressed need?
It’s impossible to count the number of times I’ve listened to some well-intended advice givers bestow “wisdom” to me when all I was seeking was a listening ear. OR, better yet, I wasn’t engaging with them at all. I’m fortunate to say that of these three, this has been the least frequently experienced, but I know that many of you have been in similar situations as well.
I’ve been reading a few books about boundaries over the last year, and this has helped me to understand that I had some inner work to do, and that I had the power to change the dynamics (and relationships) I felt trapped in. Three books in particular have changed my life by way of challenging my brain’s conditioning — offering actionable, realistic, and empowering solutions that I’ve started implementing:
So, how can we support one another to pander less to these people-pleasing ideas?
Take the time you need, without asking, apologizing or “detailing” the reasons why (ie. “I can’t because of XYZ). Stop asking people to provide explanations for things. In most cases, this just simply isn’t our business, nor does it change the WHAT of the situation. It’s kind and clear to share “I need time” or “I’ll get back to you soon once I’ve had time to process.” But more than that is not actually necessary.
If and when people apologize for getting back to us “late” — be willing to tell them (more than once) that they don’t owe us apologies for communicating with us when they can or are able. Saying it once is great, but be willing to say it more than that. Friends who have more or less stamped a verbal “return to sender” on my unnecessary apologies over the last several months have helped me to catch myself before apologizing, and decreased the amount of times I find myself apologizing for something.
When strangers, friends, or family members give you advice you didn’t ask for, it’s okay to practice acknowledgement without appreciation. Call it passive, but…I’ve noticed that acknowledging that they’ve “spoken” without thanking them for WHAT they said often sends a signal that they stepped into territory they weren’t invited to in the first place. If you’re feeling extra bold and direct, you can simply say: “I’ll be sure to let you know if and when I’d like your guidance/input in the future, but unless I ask you can assume that all I need is a listening ear.”
At the end of the day, the less we aim to please others frees us up to prioritize our own needs and turn down the volume on other’s desires, opinions, and ideas about our lives. And that, my friends, is the highest form of pleasure.
