I’ve seen love before
There’s no way to ease into today’s topic, so I won’t even try.What I loathe more than heartbreak is this idea that heartbreak within the confines of an abusive relationship means that victims cannot possibly know an answer to this question: what does it mean to love?Failed attempts to secure love leave a wake of shame and loneliness, both of which are nuanced and challenging for people to relate with: specifically those who have only experienced a love that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.I’ve been on the receiving end of assumptions about this personally, and I hate to admit that my defenses have risen higher and higher with each passing conversation about “knowing your worth” and “enough is enough” and “loving yourself will bring you closer to love itself.”People have assumed that I tolerated something disguised as love because I didn’t understand the very fundamentals of what love is made of. Some have further implied that the only rationalization for this is that I never believed that I deserved “good love” in the first place.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, these assumptions are not always true – in fact, I would argue that this is less true than it is – meaning that I know some have experienced the pain of a self-love that’s been torched, cobbled, and bruised by people who had no business doing so, but did anyway.
The broken love we witness in our formative years often sits in the background while we navigate the words and the impact of people in our lives who claim love but show that through ascribing vile names to us, breaking salad bowls, and neglecting our existence.What I am proud to say as someone who found my way out of not one but two abusive relationships is that even still I am sure about what love looks like in motion. This poem (below, which you can also find on TikTok) was written at a moment in time where I needed to remain grounded in this truth, and replay the many moments I’d witnessed love with my own eyes.Love, after all, is a choice. It is also a way of living that teaches us more about ourselves and the world around us. Love is not simply something we accept, but we volley back and forth with – that energy exchange is what can make two (or more) people better, or drive them apart.
[And if you'd like to hear three of the stories behind the poem, you can do so by listening to the Warmly episode titled, "On knowing what love is, and what it is not."READ: I’ve seen love before [January 2023]
I’ve seen love before
It turned down the radio dial
It cleaned the guest room sheets
Even though I was its last visitor
I’ve seen love before
It was quiet
It sat on the kitchen floor
It gave me space when I asked for it the first time
I’ve seen love before
It was loud
And inconvenient
It drove 600 miles through the night
It invited itself over to fix floating shelves
I’ve seen love before
It developed the safety required for disagreement
It participated in my healing
Instead of creating experiences I’d need to heal from
I’ve seen love before
It showed me that love isn’t the person who makes demands
But the one who honors the parts of you they can’t see
And believes them
Love is not a permission slip or a hall pass
Love says that even though our time is seemingly limited
I will treat you like it is
Limitless
REFLECT
I personally learn a lot from observing the ways in which folks I care for navigate conflict, success, and everything in between. To pay forward the gift I’ve often received in this regard, I’ve created a few prompts that you can use as you reflect on the ways that people have demonstrated their love for you over the years. [Oh and it doesn’t have to be a strictly romantic love, either!] My hope is that as you reflect on these memories, you are reminded of how much you deserve to be cherished, explored, and rooted for. ILY!
Describe a time when someone went out of their way to make your day easier or better.
Share about a time you were scared to open up to someone but did it anyway.
When was the last time you felt like your concerns, anxieties, or stressors were deeply recognized or known by someone else?
What kinds of sacrifices, gifts, or recognition do others seem to receive that you wish you got more of?
Who has been the most prominent example of love to you in your life, and what has their love taught you?
